 I love Jesus and Mary. That’s what I told a new friend, the other night. Right away he said how speaking that meant I believed in a messianic reality, which I enjoyed and kind of laughed at. My love for Jesus and Mary has nothing to do with a messianic blah blah or any other type of belief system. It has to do with my experience. When I was tiny, like 2 or 3, I was under my sheets in bed. I remember feeling like I was in outer space but super tiny. Like I was a spec of stardust but also giant, like I took up the whole of the universe. It was a tiny hugeness. I felt peaceful, grounded, and alive. Safe. Somewhere in my sweet little kid mind, that was an experience of god. My love for Jesus and Mary doesn’t mean to me love for christianity or for a building or a belief system. It’s love for these beings that are big and loving and powerfully cool. I remember when I first started meditating, *tuning* in to “them.” It’s strange to me that the Buddha is cool as compassion but Jesus and Mary aren’t as love. I know I know, so damn much shit has gone down in the name of Jesus ~ it totally sucks. I hate it. But even if those bible thumping peoples who use it to hate actually read the actions of those beings, they’d be stilled. It is never about exclusion or hatred. It’s always about inclusion, healing, compassion, forgiveness, tenderness, and simple simple love. Can I get an amen? Can I get an OM?
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Back in mid July of this year, I had the first thought about #WriteSomethingWrong ~ I was free writing one morning, contemplating a time in my life several years ago. I was exploring why, while in this particular relationship, when my love would write me sweet or sexy texts, I’d often not respond or clam up. And I wrote that I was “worried about writing something wrong.” Seeing that on the page really gave me pause. I kind of pride myself of being free spirited and when I write something that surprises me or I want to learn more from, I’ll sometimes write it over and over and over again. So that’s what I did.
Write something wrong Write something wrong Write something wrong Write something wrong Write something wrong And at that moment I wondered what I’d write if I “wrote something wrong.” I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’ve written plenty about shit that’s happened or shit I’ve done or I’ve apologized to people or rounded back to events or people I was hurt by. I’ve done this in one way or another all my life. I felt an impulse to launch it immediately and then got scared….last new year’s eve I launched an ‘’if there was no shame’’ thingy and that night I was inadvertently drugged and then dropped by the one I was with. I was oozing with shame, confusion, sickness, and sadness. I hated the way the new year rang in and was afraid of what that meant for the rest of the year. So, I was a little skittish to start this wondering….what will I write? And what experiences will I draw to myself as a result of initiating this….? We shall see…. |
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