Liberation Day

Yesterday marked six years that I left the order. Six years ago I packed up my car with only what I could carry and i left the spiritual group I’d dedicated my heart & soul to for the previous 14 years. I knew, because the culture of the group was such, that my leaving meant I would lose everyone I’d known and loved. For two weeks they’d been hammering away at my heart and mind. It was time to go. i was done with the controlling, alienating, and abusive ways & needed to find myself again
I’d been estranged from my family for a decade and had no idea if they’d welcome me back.
I would drive for seven days, on my way to Portland; shaken, sad, but certain. Every day, I heard from my brother who was my lifeline along the journey.
My mother would die six months later and in comfort & confusion, I would walk the Camino de Santiago with her ashes.
I would fall in love & have my heart broken. I would try to find my joy through others & fail every time. I would start writing again. Haiku would color my pages and then the city streets.
I would admit to myself that I couldn’t wait any longer to answer the call of my soul to become a mother. I would take a leap and attempt pregnancy and on my first try, conceive a powerhouse of a girl. I would almost die birthing that girl.
Despite years of celibacy, years of saying no to what was always the biggest yes of all, motherhood won out.#bisonbutterflyblog #singlemom#motherhood #startingover