Naps & Parental Fragility

I broke today. My baby wouldn't nap and there's a slew of things that happened that drove me down a rabbit hole and broke my spirit. I'm not one of those people who's baby goes down easy. It's a process every time. Every nap, every night. Bouncing, singing, nursing, swaying, pleading, begging, demanding, giving up. She's also not the kid that I can put down and have a couple hours to do things. Sometimes, a lot of times, I'm nap trapped. But it's ok ~ I read, rest, fold laundry, watch something, post something.... I've gotten used to it and for the most part, I enjoy the break.

​But that's just it, when the break doesn't come, I feel gypped. Like part of my day got taken from me and I get mad about it. And then I feel like an asshole for being mad. Because who am I mad at? My baby? Myself? Yes & yes. In the middle of it all today, I texted a friend to share what was happening because I felt so alone and I didn't want to despair. It helped. She validated me, assured me what I was doing was best for me and my daughter (I had put her in the crib and went downstairs to catch my breath). We were both safe and both crying but we were both fine. 

This picture is from last year, less than four weeks after she was born. We were walking in the park and she got hungry. I was in the wrong shirt (ie no boob access) and we were several blocks from home. There was no way to hold her and maneuver my clothes to gain boob access so I had to put her down. The tree trunk seemed the safest place. Then I walked home, nursing. My wrong shirt pulled up over my chest.

​We can't always be prepared ~ we'll do everything right and the circumstances will still go south. I'm trying to breathe into 

---