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Smiles....and Karaoke

8/7/2016

11 Comments

 
​This morning during my meditation I was contemplating an upcoming anniversary that may be one of the most important of my life. The day I chose to leave the spiritual order I’d been part of for 13 years. September 20, 2013 I wrote the email to Peter, the director, telling him I’d be leaving the next day. This was after several months of back and forth, of being berated and criticized by too many people to think about at the moment. I looked up our email exchanges and the reaction I had amused me.
 
I smiled.
 
A lot.
 
I smiled as I read the nasty things he said to me. How he told me I was weak and selfish and abandoning the people God had given me to serve. After over 13 years of doing that very thing. My smiles came from my gratitude to myself. My three year younger self, who despite that insanity, walked literally past that man, packed up my car by myself in stifling heat, and drove for five days toward an unknown that still mystifies me at times.
 
That woman – she’s a badass and I’m proud of her.
 
So many days I still wonder what exactly I’m doing here. I have friends whose kids are in college and here I am, looking forward to having my own one day. Every concept I’ve had about age, ability, love, loyalty, friendship, work, and goodness, got blown up. I was in shock for six months. And then my mother died. More shock. It was a year before I really broke down.
 
This September 20th I’m inviting my friends for a night of karaoke. A night of song and dance to celebrate. Remarkable. Joyful. Radical. Awake. 
11 Comments
Mary Francis Drake
8/8/2016 05:56:19 am

I'm coming up on my 3 years as well in just a few weeks....and suffered the death of a close family member about 6 months later. I can relate to the shock, pain, shunning and berating....and to the miraculous healing power of stepping out toward my own truth when my 10 years of service in the Order came to an end. What a journey of pain, loss, grief and healing. I find myself re-integrated after having everything stripped down and built anew in God's grace. Thanks for your courageous and honest sharing. I, too have found joy and simplicity on the other side of all that pain and struggle. Sending smiles, hugs and love, Mary Francis

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Mari
8/8/2016 05:47:34 pm

Thanks for sharing, Mary Francis ~ and hooray, for the bold moves you've made and the new life you are living!

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SusanB
8/8/2016 01:44:48 pm

Can't sing there with you, but can sing here with you. I love how you are making sense of things with such light and positivity. It is a great model and reminder. You're great Marialicia, and you have some very special gifts. Keep them shining!

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Mari
8/8/2016 05:46:44 pm

Thank you Susan! It's such a process and there are many ups and downs. Yes, sing with me! :)

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Joe Gloss
8/8/2016 07:42:58 pm

To the charge that you were being selfish and abandoning the people God had sent to you to serve - I can tell you that, as your former student, no effort on your part, however suffused with love, patience, and wisdom, could have overcome the effects of the toxic environment that Peter had created there in Chicago, into which I was so desperately mired. Consider: I started out as someone so excited about the Order and its' path that I was willing to leave the "vapid" life I had been living for the previous 20 years; only to wake up one morning 3 years later to grinding anxiety and the words "I hate myself" coming unbidden into my mind. I guess that really was a wake-up. After fading away from the scene, I could finally understand what my body was trying to tell me for so long - that I had been living in an essentially hostile environment. Unbelievable.

As you have been opening up about your experience and process, I've really felt you as a kindred spirit, though your process of course looks different than mine. It's validating for me to read your writing and know that I didn't just succumb to the darkness, or become willfully disobedient, or whatever. Let's all keep up the good work of becoming whole, shadow AND light.

With love and respect, Joe

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Mari
8/9/2016 11:55:28 am

Hi Joe, your words and feeling go straight to my heart. Thank you. This process of healing has been daunting and difficult. I've wanted to give up so much & have had to reach into caverns of darkness & light I didn't know existed. I am glad to know my writing and sharing is validating your experience. Your words here have done the same for me.

One more thing. I am deeply sorry for the ways I contributed to your feelings of anxiety and self-hatred. If there's anything I can do correct that or help with it, I am here, willing, and available.

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Joe Gloss
8/9/2016 02:39:05 pm

Thank you. I've had thoughts of reaching out to you lately, as a matter of fact. I don't fault you, or any of the other priests, really. I think what I might be looking for are ways to ... I'm not sure, forgive? release? see more clearly? Grieving is a tricky one, I find. It can be hard to let myself feel that. But if we could have a dialogue on this, it might be helpful. What is the best way to be in touch?

And, sorry about the multiple entries - I kept getting an error message that said "Try again." :P

Joe Gloss
8/8/2016 07:43:15 pm

To the charge that you were being selfish and abandoning the people God had sent to you to serve - I can tell you that, as your former student, no effort on your part, however suffused with love, patience, and wisdom, could have overcome the effects of the toxic environment that Peter had created there in Chicago, into which I was so desperately mired. Consider: I started out as someone so excited about the Order and its' path that I was willing to leave the "vapid" life I had been living for the previous 20 years; only to wake up one morning 3 years later to grinding anxiety and the words "I hate myself" coming unbidden into my mind. I guess that really was a wake-up. After fading away from the scene, I could finally understand what my body was trying to tell me for so long - that I had been living in an essentially hostile environment. Unbelievable.

As you have been opening up about your experience and process, I've really felt you as a kindred spirit, though your process of course looks different than mine. It's validating for me to read your writing and know that I didn't just succumb to the darkness, or become willfully disobedient, or whatever. Let's all keep up the good work of becoming whole, shadow AND light.

With love and respect, Joe

Reply
Mari
8/9/2016 03:52:07 pm

Joe, pop on over to my contact page http://www.bisonbutterfly.com/contact.html and send me your email. We can go from there. I'm excited to dialogue with you!

Reply
Joe Gloss
8/8/2016 07:43:35 pm

To the charge that you were being selfish and abandoning the people God had sent to you to serve - I can tell you that, as your former student, no effort on your part, however suffused with love, patience, and wisdom, could have overcome the effects of the toxic environment that Peter had created there in Chicago, into which I was so desperately mired. Consider: I started out as someone so excited about the Order and its' path that I was willing to leave the "vapid" life I had been living for the previous 20 years; only to wake up one morning 3 years later to grinding anxiety and the words "I hate myself" coming unbidden into my mind. I guess that really was a wake-up. After fading away from the scene, I could finally understand what my body was trying to tell me for so long - that I had been living in an essentially hostile environment. Unbelievable.

As you have been opening up about your experience and process, I've really felt you as a kindred spirit, though your process of course looks different than mine. It's validating for me to read your writing and know that I didn't just succumb to the darkness, or become willfully disobedient, or whatever. Let's all keep up the good work of becoming whole, shadow AND light.

With love and respect, Joe

Reply
Joe Gloss
8/8/2016 07:44:34 pm

To the charge that you were being selfish and abandoning the people God had sent to you to serve - I can tell you that, as your former student, no effort on your part, however suffused with love, patience, and wisdom, could have overcome the effects of the toxic environment that Peter had created there in Chicago, into which I was so desperately mired. Consider: I started out as someone so excited about the Order and its' path that I was willing to leave the "vapid" life I had been living for the previous 20 years; only to wake up one morning 3 years later to grinding anxiety and the words "I hate myself" coming unbidden into my mind. I guess that really was a wake-up. After fading away from the scene, I could finally understand what my body was trying to tell me for so long - that I had been living in an essentially hostile environment. Unbelievable.

As you have been opening up about your experience and process, I've really felt you as a kindred spirit, though your process of course looks different than mine. It's validating for me to read your writing and know that I didn't just succumb to the darkness, or become willfully disobedient, or whatever. Let's all keep up the good work of becoming whole, shadow AND light.

With love and respect, Joe

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